vulnerable.

Most of my life I have been able to find something good in each day..
A happiness or glimpse of life that makes grateful..

For the first time in my life I have had more than a hard time to even do that. My surroundings are negative. I'm unhappy. I am alone. I am sad. And, I'm' about to put myself in a very vulnerable place. I guess I'm only posting this in case someone out there might feel the same way. I think more often than not we feel alone., like we are the only ones in the world that could ever feel this way. We aren't. There are people who feel sad, like you.. and not by choice. I used to think to myself, when I heard people that were unhappy or complained a lot.. "If you are unhappy..... start being happy?" What was so hard? I get it now. I get that there are times that you literally cannot be happy. That no matter how much goodness surrounds you it is hard to be grateful. It is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. That though you know it's there.. you almost close your eyes to it and make yourself believe there isn't anything ahead. Sometimes I think I unintentionally forget the goodness. My brain looks for the bad. I hate it. I know at the end of this rough patch I'll ask myself why I didn't look up. Why I didn't remember there is so much to be grateful for. That I am so unbelievably blessed. 

I am selfish most times. Sometimes I think to myself... "why can't one single person stick by my side through all the bull shit? Why do they walk out every single time." Then I realize how selfish that sounds. Like.. why can't someone put up with my crap? That isn't fair. No one should have to stick by me. Nobody should have to be surrounded by a negative person. But I guess what I'm pleading is that someone would see that I am not trying to be this way. That honest to God... all I want right now is for this pain to be gone. I wish I didn't have to see my friends suffering. I wish I didn't take others pain and stack it on my shoulders.. when I myself am not even strong enough to hold up myself. I wish life was just easy sometimes. I see those I love grasping for something.. wanting to see the goodness in their lives.. but having such a hard time. I see those in my life that never found that.. and left us. I can't put words together to begin to describe how I feel about those that couldn't ever find the light. The ones that couldn't see another way out. Tonight I think I feel a sliver of how people that have taken their lives feel. Being alone.. feeling alone.. I HATE THAT THEY EVER HAD TO FEEL THAT WAY. 

I'm blessed that I have recognized how I'm feeling and began my journey towards healing. I'm grateful that I have the strength to take another step each day. I look forward to the day that I feel like I can breathe. I'm four days away from meeting a goal that has been such a goal to reach. I know I will be happier because of my choices. I wish it was easier to get out of bed each day.. and I wish peoples dumb comments wouldn't affect me. Maybe this is a cry for help or maybe I just want someone for once in my life to see why I'm acting the way I am. I don't want to hurt feelings.. ruin friendships.. or shove people away. I don't want people to have to walk on pins and needles and be cautious of their every word around me. I've handled dumb comments before and I'll continue to do so.. But maybe just be reminded that every single person has their battles. Whether those are ever vocalized or not. That not every person has the strength you might feel you have. That for some people it is a challenge in itself to get out of bed every single day.

I look forward to the day I feel strong. I know I am going through these things to gain strength. I know someday I will go through harder things.. things that unless I went through this, I wouldn't be able to overcome. 

I hope on the days that you feel alone you will believe in yourself. That even when it hurts to breathe, you can and you will. That when the world has turned it's back on you.. you can choose to turn your back on yourself or continue with dignity. Sometimes it hurts like hell.... and I don't know why. I wish I did, but you can make it. You can keep telling yourself "One more day." and never ever stop. Love yourself even when you seem unlovable. Remember it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. If the only person you can make proud is yourself, you've accomplished so much. There is light and happiness out there.. I know it. I'm searching for it and won't stop until I find it, no matter how alone I am or how hard it gets. That's a promise.