Sunday, March 2, 2014

just a whole lot.

here comes the storm:

I've always put myself in a vulnerable position. I meet people and am not shy about my shortcomings. I'm not going to lie and build myself up to be the person you want me to be, in that moment. I am me, every bright beam and every dusty corner. I have always felt like, if you don't like that, then you can go. I realize that it is a harsh mentality.. but I think often times we have a hard enough time loving ourselves, why would we surround ourselves with people that tell us what parts of us are wrong, and how they "know" we can fix it. C. Joybell C puts it perfectly when she said, "I am different. I will give you my treasure chest of darkness first. If you can handle that, then I'll bring out my shining moons. If one cannot handle the darkness, then one should not deserve the light. I have no interest in "trapping" anyone into a silken web. I have no silken web." 

There have been several times where I have opened myself up to this vulnerable place and shown people that it isn't all great.. that there are things that I am still working on.. cause you know, I'm human.. and I'm not perfect. I have bad days, awful days, but good days; really beautiful days. I do this so I don't get to this attached phase, weeks later, when they decide they don't like who I am anymore. I'm saying these things because I have realized that one of two things happens. 1. they leave or 2. they try to change you. 

In our lives we are surrounded by people with expectations of us. They don't understand why we don't think the way they do. It is completely unfair for someone to come into our lives and say "this is this.. because of this. and you should believe that.. because I said it." But the absolutely crappy reality is that, that is what people do. They stomp into our lives and tell us why we aren't enough. There are so many times where I close the door to anyone coming into my life because I am simply sick and tired of being told where in my life, I am not enough. It sucks to be the person with the walls up. It sucks to push people away because more often than not, these people that surround me, end up being the ones that hurt, rather than help. 

So let me tell you what I've learned..
1. You. yeah you. You don't know everything. We are entitled to these awesome things called opinions. I am grateful that we all have our own individual ways of thinking and being.. but remember that YOUR WAY ISN'T EVERYONE'S WAY. Stop letting yourself in the front door without knocking, and telling me what room I need to sweep, and why my couch should be facing the other direction. Stop telling me that I have to believe what you believe, "or else." Stop holding back your love because we are different. Stop belittling others because you can't open up your mind to a new way of thinking. If you don't want to hear my beliefs and opinions, fine.. but don't force yours onto me.

2. Going along with opinions.. stop closing your mind. Close your mind to what you know, and I promise you, you will never, ever, grow. Stop putting these predetermined connotations with words because you are scared. Fear is real.. but fear of learning more.. that is pathetic. There has been far too many times where people feel inclined to tell me their beliefs, and this and that.. but when I begin to share mine, they turn their ears off. What is life, but one, big, sometimes awful, beautifully, shitty, lesson. If you can't even hear other beliefs or opinions, you are hurting yourself. At least listen and be more strengthened in what you know to be true.

3. When people open themselves up to you, and show you that vulnerable side of them, don't you dare use it against them. We all know how it feels to share words and experiences that matter.. The things that actually impacted us. Sometimes they are awful things. Things we would rather hide and push out the door, never to be seen again. But it doesn't work like that.. So if someone shares something with you that means something to them, Listen. Listen with your whole heart.. and be aware of the courage they had to have, to say those words out loud. "My own time on earth has lead me to believe in two powerful instruments that turn experience into love: holding and listening. For every time I have held or been held, every time I have listened or been listened to, experience burns like wood in that eternal fire, and I find myself in the presence of love. This has always been so."
 I recently told someone how scared I am of dying. They practically laughed in my face... like how stupid am I. It hurt knowing that, no, that isn't something I am proud of. No one walks around with a "here I am.. proud that I am absolutely terrified of _____" sign. It's not something I share with people.. well now it's on my blog with like 3 readers.. so there you all go. But seriously.. be aware of the strength and trust someone gives to you, when they share their secrets. It's never easy.. so listen with an open heart. If you haven't watched THIS, do so now. "Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage."

4. The judgement and our pathetic closed off mindsets have to stop. At what point do we realize that love and acceptance is the only way we will be okay. We are ashamed of ourselves because we are taught to do so. "If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement." When we have these STUPID mindsets that, "Oh you have scary things in your life.. oh you aren't perfect.. I'm sorry.. I have to go. Your imperfectness might rub off on me. Wouldn't want to catch that." Freaking HELL. Stop. Stop thinking you're better. Stop thinking what you know is and will always be, the only truth. OPEN YOUR MIND, YOUR HEART, AND YOUR SOUL. I'm sick of being treated like I should be ashamed because I am not a certain way. 

this very lengthy, scattered, blog post is coming to an end.  But that right there, is me. I am filled with a messy, beautiful, life.. that I have been told to be ashamed and embarrassed of. My imperfection is supposed to be embarrassing. (If you are imperfect, you should be embarrassed too. geez.) All I would hope that this bull shit mindset that we are all taught and surrounded by, can be pushed aside. I want to listen to you, love you, and in turn be loved by you. I want all of you. Your beauty and your dust. The things that you have overcome and the things that you are still working on. I promise to love you for all of who you are. Shame is an ugly thing and if I could rid the world of it.. I would. I may not be the perfect friend, daughter, sister, or person. I screw up.. I screw up a lot. I may not love you the way you want me to.. or be there for you in the ways you would have hoped. I may say offensive things or do things that you don't think are acceptable. I may believe differently than you. I may look at you wrong. I may have been an awful person to you in the past.. but all I can hope is that you will take a second and open your heart. I am no longer going to apologize for who I am. If that isn't enough or in the terms and conditions you accept.. see ya later. I learned a very important thing a couple weeks ago.. We don't make mistakes.. we do the best that we can in that moment. We are all trying our hardest! Every single person deserves to be heard and loved. There have been far too many days in my life spent dwelling on my efforts and how they aren't enough.. and I'm done with that. The pity, shame, and judgement, is going, going, gone. I want to love you if you will let me. I want to learn from you, and show you what I have learned and what works for me. I want to hear your fears and biggest heartaches.. With hopes that I in turn can share those things with you. I want to trust you and hope you will trust me. I promise I won't run. There isn't anything in the world that would scare me away or make me love you less. I want nothing more than for love to be the only answer in the world.. but I know that might never happen.. But I do know that, that can be the only answer for me. 
"You're imperfect and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."


  1. It's impossible to know the intentions of the heart through imperfect words... Even the most beautiful feelings can be distorted and destroyed by one simple unprepared comment or remark...
    I'm sorry for making you feel that way..

  2. After reading this blog I feel like I just read words and feelings that I would write myself! I so much appreciate your honesty toward your true feelings and the words you wrote to explain them. This read was therapeutic for me I can only imagine how it was for you. I must say I TOTALLY AGREE with everything your wrote. I have always raised my kids to know "I am proud of them but its more important that they are proud of themselves"
    Thanks Annika for sharing Uncle Matt and Rachael