Sunday, June 17, 2012

all I want is happiness.

I don't think there are set decisions or choices that we have to make in order to end up where we are meant to be.
I think there is several paths that can lead you to your goals.
Some may make life easier on us, some can get us into trouble.
But the point of it all is that we have the choice.
We get to choose, knowing the majority of consequences there are, what we want.
It's our agency.
As easy as it would be to have a set map, or have someone tell me a play by play of my life, that isn't likely.
There are some nights that I couldn't wish for that more, but I know that my life is for making decisions. 
It is for learning. Learning about who I am, and what I want to be.
I don't have to make a decision, a moment before I'm going to make it.
I can go against the grain.
I can choose the opposite of the crowd.
I can take the path the rest are, or climb through the dirt and trees and figure it out each step I take.
Although parents talk about how it's hard to see their children make decisions they don't want them to.. 
It doesn't phase me.
I'm going to follow my heart and mind.
So cliche, but honestly.
I didn't realize how relevant that would be until now.
I'm over your words.
I'm over your opinions.
I'm over the fact that you think I'm doing the wrong thing.
I'm over it all.
Because all I am looking for is happiness.
I have to find a life I can wake up smiling about.
I have to create a life that I can be proud of.
I don't want to look back and wish that I would have done it all differently.
I want to learn now how my children will someday feel.
I want to be nervous.

I want to be scared.
I want it all.
Every last bit of it.
Because I want a better me.
I want to push myself harder each day, 
to never settle,
to never drown in a world of opinions,
to never disappoint myself. 
I'm going to make myself proud,
because at this point that's all I have room to care about. 

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