swallowing my pride.

You know that at peace feeling you have when you love someone you trust. That clear mind and open heart. Some days I think that maybe I'll look back at this and think.. "You thought that was love.. but you had no idea." Maybe I will, or maybe I'll know that was my true first love. I have no other explanation for it. It's been so long since I was on that cloud nine. That laughing our heads off, disregarding everything people said about us, being spontaneous and sometimes so stupid.. Were we naive? Was it stupid of us to make plans so big? Was I stupid for trusting you? Is it stupid that I'm still completely in love with someone that shattered me? After all this time... I wish I just knew why it all happened. Why I am nineteen years old and have no desire to get married or rush into anything.. because maybe I still have some hope that things will change between us. That they will go back to how they were. I have been in plenty of relationships before and after you.. but I don't think of them. People that I loved don't stand a chance next to you. All I have ever wanted was for someone to believe in me, and you did. I hate nothing more than vague blog posts about past boyfriends.. but somehow that is all I have left of you. I still hope and pray that something changes, that things will get better between us.. and maybe I am so so so stupid for that... but I don't care. I'm sitting here writing this thinking how embarrassing it would be if you came across this and knew it was about you.. but then I realized I wouldn't care. All I have wanted is for you to know that I honestly think I will always love you. So here I am, swallowing my pride for no reason.. in hopes that someday I get my best friend back.